huh.

Well, i'm feeling pretty good about my face. i've pretty much refrained from picking. not to mention everything's healing pretty nicely.. slowly, but surely. which is nice. i really would be screwed without silicone sheets. much love there.


-r

christ..

Post-blogger's note: I also use the same 1-10 scale as the 'overall face condition' scale (see last blog) to focus on each individual blemish and rate it according to how bad it looks/estimated healing time (it's pathetic how much time i put into this).

Right now, my face it in one of the worst conditions it's ever been in. i really think i'm getting better though; i've begun exercising great amounts of self-control and will-power. that being said, i have the most spots ever; 11. shit. luckily, none of the spots are 10's, but they're close. for the most part, it's 7-9's.
Anyway. i'm kind of bummed right now; just had to cancel on a friend's birthday party. which sucks, because i've been looking forward to it for months, and it's supposed to be pretty dank. whatever.






i hate myself.

-r

why can't i just go back in time?

There is a scale that i use to measure how acceptable my face is.

1(Flawless) --------5 (Panic worthy) -------10(Put a bag on your head)

Obviously, while we would all like to be 1's, my desired number is about a three- maybe a two. at this moment, i'm about a 6.5. well, earlier today i was. i just picked at two spots on my forehead so i'm probably at an 8.

So, that being said, my scars are healing up a bit; they're definitely better than before. the spots on my forehead and nose are gone (though i just picked at two pimple things on my forehead so that kind of cancels it out, doesn't it?) what's driving me crazy is now i'm beginning to get pimples- something that's never happened before. granted they're pretty small and not noticeable- but i don't know if it's stress or just the acne of my teen years kicking in 4 years too late- either way, i'm freaking out.


-r

this summer.

This summer has been absolutely horrid. on the third to last day of school i picked a spot underneath my right nostril and in between my eyebrows. these two spots acted weird; instead of scabbing over they just got all gross and crusty. for weeks i was freaking out not knowing how to treat them. finally i put ScarAway (silicone sheets for scarring) on them and that made the initial weirdness go away, but they're still both really noticeable scars. ESPECIALLY the one in between my eyebrows. but apparently that wasn't enough for me; i also picked at a spot on my forehead, and a few on my nose. there's also a small spot on my chin, but i didn't pick at it so i don't know what that is. christ. i've literally spent my summer avoiding going out because of my face. i've skipped about 4 parties and countless invitations to hang out with my friends. the ironic thing is, all school year i was excited about this summer because 'i looked the hottest i'd ever looked!'. one month into my summer and i'm pretty sure this may be the worst i've ever looked. and the kicker? i have naturally super clear skin. i think i've gotten maybe three pimples in my life. now look at me. i pray to god this goes away soon.

*This actually is me... (i know). the tan thing under my nose is the silicone sheet. i put a silicone sheet on the scar in between my brows as well, but lately i've been trying out olive oil as well. i'll probably be going to the doctor's soon to see if they can give me something that'll treat it better. i expect the spots on my nose and forehead will clear up by this time next week. if you know of anything that may help, let me know.

-r

wtf.

UGH. so, this is a facebook message that just happened between me and a friend (G) of mine.

G: k. soooo your not returning my txts.
if im creeping you out just tell me,...

R: you're not, i swear. i just.. i can't explain it to you right now. i really really want to hang out with you, though, like, you don't even know. i just want to get out of here and go to a party and go crazy. but, i can't. not until sometime in august. and i know it sounds weird, it's got nothing to do with you though. i can't tell you about it right now, but i will. soon. (hopefully..) this completely sucks. and i know you have absolutely no clue what i'm talking about right now, which makes this suck even more. fhasiogh. don't give up on me though (that sounds weird.) because i DO want to hang out with you, but i can't right now. and i can't tell you why. ugh. i'm sorry. ffashoghaug. :(

I hate myself for doing this to myself. seriously, what's my issue? i've completely demolished my summer because i'm so ashamed of my face. which i'll talk about tomorrow (since i've already posted 3 times in one day [forgive me but i'm just trying to sum up everything so y'all are on the same page with me]).

-r

i'm pathetic.

Just got a text from two of my best friends that i haven't seen in months to hang out. had to pretend i was grounded because i didn't want them to see my face.

-r

the beginning.

Ever since the 7th grade i have struggled with (what i now recognize and have self-diagnosed as) Dermatillomania (compulsive skin picking). this disorder does not allow me to see flaws on my body like most do. for instance, if one was to see an ingrown hair on say, their thigh, they'd probably just leave it alone. but i wouldn't be able to do that; i'd pick and squeeze at the spot for days until it became irritated and 10x more noticeable than it originally was, then i'd do it some more so it eventually formed into a scar. don't get me wrong, i'm not trying to make this into a sob story or anything, but this has definitely affected my life so i figured i'd start a blog about my struggles and whatnot. maybe some people with the same struggle will find this blog. maybe not.

First, i'd like to give the background story as to how this all began.

*This isn't me. it's a photo of what someone looks like when they use meth. sadly, my face resembled this.


It was sometime in the 7th grade; i'd have been 12 or 13 at the time. i was using my mum's tweezers to do my eyebrows. (sidenote: because i was so young at the time, i was pretty horrid at it; i would pluck them everyday and try to get hairs under my skin that hadn't grown yet, which let to permanently red, cut-up, eyebrows [this would probably be the first sign of my problem]). i was using one of those magnifying mirrors ("magnify your flaws 5x so they look even WORSE!") and noticed some spots on my nose. i tried to dig these out with the tweezers, which led to a decent sized cut in the middle of my nose. i guess the bleeding didn't bother me, though, because i moved on to the concave of my chin and cut myself again there too. bear in mind this wasn't a form of self-harm; i was just so set of getting rid of my blackheads or spots or whatever they were that i didn't really acknowledge the damage i'd just done. eventually they scabbed over. i could have fixed them there; put some neosporin on them, cover them with a bandage, they'd be gone in a few weeks. but i didn't. i couldn't. i picked at them constantly. everyday at school i'd just sit there thinking about how i could pick at these huge scabs on my face when i got home. this lasted until the end of the 9th grade. for three years i looked like a recovered meth addict.

After my face had cleared up (by the way, sometime in the 8th grade i figured out how to do my eyebrows properly, so those weren't a problem anymore) i was so proud, i remember how when i got back to school guys would hit on me all the time, everyone would compliment me. good thing i lost control and screwed that up.

-r